Thursday, January 19, 2012

Getting Crazy & Depressed

I was at the Women & Infants complex today for acupuncture so I tried to track down the genetic counselor to insist upon getting my long awaited test results. She was in, but in a meeting... I tried to find her before my appointment and an hour later afterwards, but she is a very busy and important person and was unavailable both times. She is much more important than I am. So I left a detailed message that was returned by her assistant after she'd left for the day and shortly to be en route to an out of town conference until Jan. 27. That is low down and dirty. Of course I got nowhere with the assistant, the best she could maybe do was move up my appointment. No you can't because I have chemo and can't make it, just give me the fucking results over the phone or through the mail. I got quoted hospital policy again and again and get this, they won't even give the results to my doctors until I personally go in to retrieve them and be counseled. Except I've already been counseled at a $300 appointment. Does my insurance company really have to pay for me to go and be re-counseled even if the results are negative? Is there not a better way for my healthcare dollars, yours and mine, to be spent? I find this all so patronizing, insulting, and so freaking inefficient.

So now I'm angsty and aggravated and worried that the test is positive, because honestly, I can't handle one more thing, but whenever I say that, I get one more thing, so I'm getting nervous. I really need this test to be negative and it probably is, but until they tell me, It's turning more and more positive in my mind. That's not nice W & I Hospital. I don't like you. I have never liked you and now I don't like you even more.

I'm headed down the rabbit hole of crazy and depressed. Each large freckle, again turning into Melanomas. Actually, turns out people who have had breast cancer are at a higher risk for skin cancers and visa versa. Kooky. More fun things to think about. Everything is making me teary and I could go to bed for a month. Oh yeah, I've practically been in bed for over a month. Need to get a grip, settle down, I need a drink, but that's out of the question. Boys were with their father last night. I think that helps me be crazy and depressed, I need those noisy guys around, I'm used to them and they keep my head out of my own ass. J is at Improv class {yay!} and G is at basketball, maybe I'll feel better when they come home.


  1. kim you make me want to get in my car and give you a hug. your writing makes me feel deeply. keep breathing, keep being you. you are stronger than you know!

  2. except i can't even have a hug. my white counts are so low i'm not supposed to touch anyone or be around people and i'm supposed to wash my clementines before i eat them...