Cuckoo-beans

10:25 a.m. and I’m lounging in the chemo chair, busy day here, lot’s of monitors beeping and folks being treated in the hallways, glad for my early appointment, as I have a cozy cubicle to myself. My counts were still low and Rochelle Rochelle my trusty oncologist who reminds me of I still can’t figure out who {and who has good teenaged son stories that are all quite familiar}, suggested waiting a couple more days before we did the chemo. But that would entail renegotiating child care arrangements which feels so cumbersome and unpleasant and so we agreed to just give it a shot. I was mentally prepared to do it today and already too tired to really function so what the heck. Hope it wasn’t a stupid thing to do, but I’m sure she wouldn’t have agreed if it wasn’t a borderline situation which means not completely dumb-ass. I trust that R.R. would say no, if no was necessary.

I mentioned that if I had a real job, I’d want to go on disability, that’s how bad I feel and she told me that everyone who does this treatment goes on disability which I guess is reassuring that it’s not all in my head or that I’m not especially pathetic. Only time I wished I had a real job. Cancer + Self Employment = Uh Oh.

Jonah has finally given me permission to cut my hair and he wants a trim too, so we’ll go together next week. My haircut should take approximately 45 seconds, but I’m pleased to still have eyebrows.

I confess to being back to channel surfing and I’m drawn to those Kardashians, those not-so-lovable, overly coiffed trainwrecks from another planet. If ever there was the personification of the decline of western civilization they would be it. The Kardashians make Mitt Romney seem in touch with reality and Mitt is less stiff than Kim K.

While coiffed and made up nearly to death, they’re constantly eating take out food and candy. Not good candy, Nerds and gummy sours and twizzlers, candy your 5 year old loves, it’s on every surface of the fancy hotel suite where they live. The take out food never makes it onto a plate, they eat right out of the plastic containers and god knows there must be a plate in the house somewhere. Kim is dazzling, meaning possibly the most repulsive, selfish and clueless human being I’ve witnessed and... dumb as a post. She really seems like there is just plain nothing inside the expensive clothes, no personality or kindness whatsoever, utterly vacuous.

Yesterday she was eating a corned beef sandwich and she asked her sister “what is corn beef anyway?” in that flat monotone from which she deviates only to whine. Sis says she doesn’t know but it must be that they make it from special cows that only eat corn. Kim say’s yeah, that’s it, they feed the cows special corn and you get corn beef.

But I digress, Rochelle says the tumor seems like it’s breaking up a bit, feels different, and not bigger, this is good. Also that the next 3 months of chemo when I’m through with the first 3 months will be with different drugs and not as bad, especially in terms of fatigue, this is also good. We’ve also switched to an anti-nausea med less likely to cause the blinding headaches, good {I hope}, and also that my vision problems will likely go away when this is done. My eyes are driving me crazy, but they’re only one of many, many things driving me crazy these days. I’m feeling very high up on the cuckoo-beans scale.