Nuclear Meltdown

Today should have been a good day. It started off well, really well, and had really good parts and then just went down, down, down the hill. I don't know if it's the culmination of all the frantic camp preparations, but I did what I rarely do and lost it on my son. Maybe he needed to hear it, maybe not, either way, it feels awful, I'm too soft, too empathetic to be a good parent.

As the day's gone on the numbness and pain in my hands and feet has been steadily building, so I can't blame the hot weather anymore. It's joined now by knee, hip and jaw pain which is from the Neupogen shots. I dropped said son off across town and stopped into Whole Foods to get something to eat. I know I need to eat through nausea, I'm used to it, I know I feel worse if I don't eat, but it's still hard, still unpleasant.

Walking into the store was increasingly difficult and by now I'm really having trouble walking, it's scary. The joint pain from the shots will go away, I know that, but not necessarily the neuropathy from the Taxol. My plan for tomorrow was to meet G at URI where he's in a football throwing competition and then take him to camp which isn't far away. I really want to go, I want to watch, but I don't know how big the URI campus is, or where the football field is and now I'm worried it will be too far to walk. I can't decide if I should miss another event that is important to me and have his father take him or just do it. Maybe I'm keeping myself back from things because I'm worried I'm not up to it, but how do you know if you were up to it unless you try it? My brain can't seem to make decisions anymore, I'm always fretting over one minor decision after another.

I don't often lose it the way I did this afternoon, thankfully my neighbor talked me down, she called at just the right time. Maybe I'm supposed to have periodic breakdowns like this, but they're really not my cup of tea, crying gives me a headache. I'm exhausted and going to bed.