Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Today was the anti-yesterday, a good day. I must make an important correction, however, to yesterday's post, it was Lava Shrimp, not Volcano Shrimp stapled to itself. I made that mistake when ordering once, and I didn't like volcano shrimp one bit, even though it was staple-free.

I had a nice day with tall-boy and we succeeded in acquiring emergency-new-grill which will do the job, but is far less aesthetically pleasing than the last one. We had to go to Home Depot and then Lowe's because the ones at HD were really crappy and they all insist on having a side burner now which is really dumb I think, I'm sorry, but I'm not sautéing anything outdoors while I'm grilling, just not... ever. And, can you hear the angels singing? They come assembled for no extra charge and because I still have a van, it fit. The thing is, I can't remember this morning. Did I really take J to camp this morning and then go get my shot and then spontaneously meet a beautiful friend for tea and then take G shopping and then to lunch and then to practice and then I drove home again? Did I drop them at their father's for the night at 7p.m. after dinner? Did that just all happen today? Everything is such a blur to me, time blends together and I barely know what day it is, I really don't, I have to check the calendar over and over. I think I had a steroid induced power-up, but now I'm just confused and my feet are numb. Numb hands and feet are from Taxol and I run the risk of it being permanent and this is the worst it's been, it's been slowly creeping up on me all day. In the past it's been the soles of my feet being tingly, but now it's my big toes and the toes next door too... tingly and numb, kind of burning... worrisome.

I told their father that I just couldn't do chemo afternoons with the kids anymore, I don't feel safe driving, my nurse said I was crazy when I told her what I've been doing, that I should be resting after chemo, taking care of myself, sleeping, recovering... but I felt like I've had that conversation with him before, and before and before, and I'm not sure why, I feel a bit like I'm losing my mind, traveling in circles. My chemo schedule doesn't fit well with his work schedule, so he said "it's too bad it's on Tuesday." And I thought, yeah, it's too bad I have cancer. I don't really recall much I've needed or wanted fitting with his work schedule, but he seems to get where he wants to go. I suggested he take his son out to dinner on Friday night before he leaves for camp, just the two of them, special time, but he said he already had plans. Things are optional for some of us and for some they're not but not everyone knows the difference and that includes me. I think we both have it all backwards.

I can't remember if I mentioned that I almost hit some people with my car on the way to camp pick up. In my chemo-addled brain they weren't there and then suddenly they were. Why do I feel like I'm imposing, asking personal favors from the person who is these children's father? Why is this feeling so ingrained and why am I asking for the same things month after month. Yesterday scared me, but I've scared myself before. I can't keep it up though, I'm just not driving chemo day anymore, it's not responsible, it really is crazy. I've been doing crazy things all along, but I always have, feeling like I didn't have a choice. Maybe I'm being unfair, he put the A.C. in my window and helped get the grill out of the car, I don't know, I don't know what the rules of life are. The only thing I know is I don't know why I still have the kids on chemo day.

Cancer has changed everything and in some ways it has changed nothing.


  1. some people will just never "get it". with or without cancer they just never will....
    realize that. move on. ask for help from those who care and are willing...wish i was closer...would drive you anywhere!

  2. you are a special person grace, you'd be the one to dope slap me and say -- get the hell out of the car, you're not driving. but it's settled, no more chemo day driving!