Friday, December 2, 2011


I am now a proud graduate of chemo class and I have the 2" thick, 12 lb. binder to prove it. No diploma however, or laminated ID card like I got at Crowd Manager Class last year. Yes, it's true, I am a Rhode Island Fire Department certified Crowd Manager and I have an adorable ID card with a gold embossed fire dept. insignia in my wallet to prove that.

Being a certified crowd manager allows me to put on events like CRAFTOPIA without having to pay a fire detail to be there, which is a big deal because if I had to do that, the table fee for artists would probably have to be about $700 and it would be a sad and lonely event. Crowd Manager class is even longer than chemo class, clocking in at 3 hours and when the fire dept. says 3 hours, they fucking mean it -- 3 hours in Buttfuck, I mean Burreville, RI no less. Three hours of them telling a catatonic auditorium full of wanna be Crowd Managers how lucky we are to be in Rhode Island which is the only state to offer us this life saving, comprehensive, 3 hour escapade. Why, just across the border in MA, they have a paltry 30 minute certification, so how lucky are we?

The astonishing thing about this class is that all you get is the fancy ID card... in three hours they do not impart a single bit of useful information. I learned that in case of an emergency, I need to have a plan and then I should implement the plan... but they don't have any suggestions regarding what this plan should be, well, I suppose I'm glad they're leaving room for creativity. For three hours they talk about what a great job the Fire Dept. is doing for us, with this class and all the other wonderful things they do... yes, our fire dept. has it going on. The bad news is, the card is only good for two years and then I'm supposed to take the same class again, this is a fact I will feign ignorance of should anyone deem it necessary to check my card, thus far, no one's been interested in checking my credentials.

As for Chemo Class, I learned that side effects from chemo are extremely rare, I shouldn't expect nausea or vomiting, those are a thing of the past. Sure, I believe you completely, and here is a check for that bridge you've got for sale. I figured at least there must be some fab new chemo drugs these days, making chemo so effortless. Oh no, they said, these are the "gold standard" of chemo drugs, they've been around since the 70's. What the fuck? In all these years of research and progress you're giving me the same toxic cocktail that's been around for 40 years? Where is the biomedical advancement here? And fess up people, that shit makes you puke and feel like crap, and that's why you're giving me a page of emergency phone numbers to call.

The good news is that I can go to a free beauty class where a professional cosmetologist can teach me how to draw my eyebrows back on. They were really enthusiastic about this class, but somehow, I don't think that's for me, they didn't believe me, but I'm pretty darned sure I'll skip that adventure. If I really miss my eyebrows I'll give Jonah a sharpie and let him go to town, he has a lot of experience from drawing on his own face.

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