Thursday, December 15, 2011


I think I was overly optimistic about this week, how it would go. That because I’m not violently ill i could ignore the host of symptoms that together are doing me in. I’m queasy and woozy, dizzy, befuddled, confused. My vision is blurry, the lights too bright, i’m tired and teary and just want to sleep.

I went into work last night but felt awful, I thought if i took the day slow, I could do it. I’d heard about chemo-brain, but didn’t take it seriously. I tried to tally up last weeks sales, transfer the data from the notebook onto my artist tally sheets. This is an easy, peaceful exercise for me and the numbers in the book usually match the tally’s, albeit, sometimes a few dollars off, but I can find the error quickly. I just couldn’t do it last night, my normally orderly rows were jumbled and crooked and nothing, i mean nothing added up. It was unsettling. I’ll have to try again in a few days. It’s scary and disconcerting when your brain doesn’t work... when your whole body is suddenly different, feeling, acting, differently in every way.

I tried to play some scabble turns with the people i’ve been pestering to play with me, but the letters didn’t compute, i couldn’t do it, just looked at them confused and not understanding.

So i’m throwing in the towel for this week. I give up, i’m going to sleep and what will be will be. I have to learn to let myself off the hook.

I’m imagining the Red Devil as my Scarlet Angel. She’s swirling around inside me throwing her deadly, acid jello bombs at my cancer cells and she is good, she’s splattering them left and right, she will ultimately prevail, but some shots go awry with my healthy cells collateral damage. But she is my own personal warrior and I just have to sleep off the side effects while she does her job. I have to make myself understand that i have to let go and just do this, focus on this and let the rest fall away when it needs to. I'm not good at that. I think about all the things I need to do, that I want to do, all the time, spinning, spinning around my head. I have to learn to stop, press pause.

At least until the school bus comes at 2:45 {and maybe even then} and may the powers that be, spare me homework drama.


  1. Yes, you do need to learn to let yourself off the hook, lady! And ask for help, and just let yourself sleep when your body/brain say sleep. Maybe scrabble words will come later. Right now you're right up to your neck in more than anyone can absorb at once, and hopefully it won't always feel so overwhelming. There's A LOT going on, enough to make anyone's head spin. I know you're super proactive by nature, but maybe letting go is the new taking charge. You're still an ass-kicker even if you take a nap and can't think straight.

    I'm planning on being in the shop Saturday, so stay home if that sounds like the best thing. Or come in and hang out and let me do the work.

  2. the voz is wise, i am listening to the voz.

  3. no hook.
    body says stop and rest, do it.
    be wise and listen to your body working hard to make it all better!