Sunday, December 18, 2011

Free Samples

I was thinking, initially, that one of the upsides to my diagnosis would be a field trip to a medical marijuana dispensary. Whether I wanted/needed the dope or not, it seemed like it would be fun, just to see how they work, and I kind of envisioned it like a colorful candy store with free samples.

That seems so preposterous now as the very last thing I could possibly need/want is more drugs in my system. I think a single free sample would, right about now, give me a complete psychotic breakdown. Chemo, really leaves you... what’s the polite way of putting it? Completely fucked in the head. And what was I thinking? I barely drink, I like feeling solidly grounded, that constant quest for escape and detach is so long behind me.

I absolutely can’t stand how weepy the chemo is making me. One could say, I have cause to weep at the moment, but that’s really not it... I’m still feeling absolutely, positively, that this all ends well, the Red Dragon {yes, she's turned into a beautiful Chinese Dragon} is doing her thing, it’s the drugs making me off kilter and weepy and I hate it. I’ve been pondering my radical haircut. My oncologist says I’ll be losing a lot of hair by new year’s at best, so I’m trying to make peace with that. I don’t have the guts to just all out shave it, so I’m going the radical, boy haircut route, and a very kind and gentle salon owner has offered to have me come in after hours, the question is when? This week or next? Bring friends, go alone? Part of me says to get it over with and the other says to wait until my mood stabilizes a bit. I don’t feel like myself with short hair, even shoulder length. It probably looks better, but I just don’t feel like myself and really short hair brings back memories of my mother’s Dorothy Hamill fixation, it wasn’t just the skating lessons inflicted, she dragged me kicking and screaming across a whole parking lot to the salon for Dorothy’s haircut. They say when you have kid’s it makes you understand your own parents better, not me, I never had all that much interest in Dorothy Hamill.

I already don’t recognize how I feel and how I’m thinking, I’m afraid of how disconnected from any sense of norm I’ll be when I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.

6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. {had to make a edit}

    coincidence time! meet a nice young woman last night who is in nursing school and has some experience with chemo patients. she says you should try marijuana. she says it REALLY helps some people with the chemo side effects. xoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  3. well, uh, if you insist. you can come see me in the psych ward : }

    ReplyDelete
  4. i don't particularly like the feeling of being stoned anymore either, but it sounds way more preferable to what you're feeling now. ugh, i can't imagine. i'm a total baby when my body turns on me.

    ReplyDelete
  5. yes, quite obviously, ME TOO!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so poorly. For some reason I was thinking that you got a lorazepam prescription in your collection of chemo swag. Many people take that for nausea while they are having their treatment and it can help with the weepy feelings as well. Also doesn't hurt to take before you go for your infusion - we love it where I work :)

    ReplyDelete