In all of my contemplations about the trauma of losing my long hair, it didn't occur to me that the hair on my head wouldn't be the only hair to go, or even the first. In the shower today, I scratched an itch and came up with a handful, and another, and another. So while I got in the shower with my lady parts fully cloaked, I came out with a whole different look.
And it's itchy... just saying. Getting my hair cut short tomorrow, which apparently is not a moment to soon.
Cancer fucking sucks. That is my thought for the day. I want to have a better attitude, I really do, but I just can't think of a way to describe this experience other than that. The fucking suckiness should be mitigated by the unbelievable kindness and generosity I've been fortunate enough to be surrounded by, but it isn't. It's not that those things aren't unquantifiably relevant, that I won't carry them with me in an enhanced and grateful heart forever... it's just that I guess nothing, mitigates the suckitude of this situation and that in itself, fucking sucks!
There was a story in the local paper the other day about a local HS football player {sound familiar?} who was motivated, inspired by the recent death of his 53 year old mom after her "courageous battle with breast cancer". I scan stories like this frantically, looking for clues... why doesn't it say when she was diagnosed? what stage was she? what went wrong? On every level, I hate stories like these and I hate handfuls of hair.
locks and tresses are nothing compared with the real you inside your own skin. <3 you.
ReplyDeleteWait. What exactly is a "better attitude" where cancer is concerned? It's only mildly irritating? Kinda of a little annoying? Sort of a bummer?? I think you're just telling it like it is, and it fucking sucks. Big time. I hope nobody really expects you to pretend it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteXoxo
The fucking suckiness should be mitigated by the kindness and generosity? Who says? I think others wish it could be true, but have no such expectation you'll feel that way. There's no social contract that says you have to stop acknowledging how much cancer sucks when you agree to let people help you.
ReplyDelete