Sad and Beautiful World

It's crazy how quickly the emotional pendulum can swing, but I guess that's what crazy is. It's a sad and beautiful world, that's a quote from one of my favorite movies. Yes, it's a sad and beautiful world. At the very same time, all I want is to live a full beautiful life, and go to bed and pull the blankets over my head, and those two don't jive.

I had such a lovely weekend, warm and sunny in all respects and today is grey and foreboding, again, in all respects. I went for chemo this morning but my blood counts are the same as last week so it's another no go. The nurse explained that I was no longer "chemo naivé" {I'll say!}, but she was referring to the fact that I've already had chemo, so this time it's on a compromised body which no longer has the tools to bounce back as it once did.

As much as I hate chemo, missing it, now two weeks in a row is not good for me and if I wasn't overwhelmed enough with the whole process, I now have to start going in 4 times per week for Neupogen shots which will help my white count, but not the red which means I'm going to need another blood transfusion soon and I'm having a hard time finding out if my secondary insurance covered it. I guess it doesn't matter because you need what you need. And Neupogen is just another layer in this wacked out toxic cocktail I'm living on, with a whole host of potential side effects of it's own.

I missed G's entire basketball season and now baseball season too, almost. Today is the last week and today is his last game pitching. In his indirect, boy way, he let me know that he'd really like me to come and so I'm hoping the weather holds out and that I can find the field in South Providence.