Say what you will about my boys, but they enunciate! Griffin barely spoke until he was three and then it was in clear, crisp sentences. Jonah, for a a scrawny little thing has always had a deep beautiful, resonating voice and put him on stage and there is no mumbling, no fumbling. I loved watching improv class this week. I've always been insecure about my voice, self-conscious and I wind up with these two, so beautiful to listen to.
Week one almost down, eleven to go, that number is intimidating. I felt lousy all week, very tired, misc. ailments, but I was semi functional. I left the house every day at least for a little bit. This time, last protocol, I was flat out in bed, I didn't leave the house for weeks at a time, so that's an improvement. They're giving me steroids with the chemo drugs and those don't agree with me one bit. Sometimes I just can't stop bouncing my legs or rubbing my hands together and dead tired as I am I can't sleep. When I do sleep I have nightmares, those real feeling dreams that leave you confused about what is and what isn't. I feel like I could use a really good nights sleep, not just more time in bed.
I'm taking a leap of faith and having my rep. show my work at the upcoming stationary show in NYC. It's a good fit for me, I think and I'm tired of passing up opportunities at the same time, afraid I won't be able to follow through. I lost my biggest account that I'd had such high hopes for and that scares me, I need at least a shred of momentum or I'm going to start panicking. Between now and then, it sets me up with quite a few projects which I don't know if I'll get done, but I'm scared of having nothing on the horizon. I've put so much work into my little biz and I don't know what I'd do if it fizzles away while I'm sleeping. I wasn't very employable five years ago and even less so now and my small savings aren't going to last forever especially when my insurance isn't covering "blood products" and who knows what else. I don't know if it's good or bad, putting renewed pressure on myself to be working, but I'm giving it a shot. Maybe the adrenaline rush of some new accounts will make me feel less dreary... I keep thinking the warmer weather will cure my malaise, but it will probably just make me sweat.