Thursday, February 16, 2012

Very Long Day

Yesterday I saw someone I'd not seen in awhile and they touched my head and said, "wow, you're really letting your punky side out, what made you decide to shave your head?" I laughed and said "cancer, knucklehead". She was shocked, I probably could have had more finesse, but I was so amused that with all the obsessing over whether it's o.k. to go out bald, it hadn't occurred to me that anyone would think it a bold fashion choice. She was a most excellent sport. Life is so much easier when folks choose to be good sports.

I don't laugh enough anymore.

I had a lot of fear and anxiety about chemo today because I just don't feel like I rebounded well from the last one, so I felt like I was going into it already depleted. I've been anxious to have surgery and have a break from chemo and to get this thing physically out of me. But when my doctor examined me, she said that while the tumor has shrunk some, it certainly hasn't gone away, and apparently that is possible, and desirable, and it's still large and wouldn't be removable through lumpectomy. Inadequate shrinkage. My tumor is on viagra.

All anyone has discussed with me is lumpectomy and now we're in mastectomy realm which is so much more complicated. Toss in that I'm so disappointed there hasn't been better progress from all of this that I got weepy and emotional, but instead of giving you a minute to pull yourself together they start flinging social workers at you and that doesn't help. I don't want to talk about it, it is what it is, what the hell is anyone going to say, I was just longing for a minute to gather myself, no such luck. And I guess I need to get used to the idea of back-to-back courses of chemo.

So a pretty exhausting day which begs the question why am I writing this at midnight, I don't know, sometimes I just don't feel like going to bed.

Both my kids needed to be picked up from school today, sick, by their dad as I was tethered to a chair. I've never not been there to take care of my kids and I feel bad they couldn't come home. I don't like being unavailable to them and I hate not having a choice in so many things. I feel like life is passing me by, whizzing by while I sit here Ms. Weepy-face with tingly finger tips and muddy brain, too tired to participate.

Yes, a long day.

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