My warrior pose has turned into scaredy-cat pose. I'm not feeling well, many chemo symptoms have lingered right on through this time, and it's only another day until a new cycle. I'm tired and depleted and I just don't feel up to five hours of poison being pumped into me. I feel like a little kid who has to go to the dentist and get their first cavity filled, remember that dread? That panic?
I rearranged my schedule so I could take J to his last pasta night at his school tomorrow, as he'll soon be an elementary school graduate and I'm feeling as nostalgic as he. It's just now occurring to me what a bad idea this is. People will come over, they will say hello and "how are you doing?" and that's all it takes for me to tear up. I'm so unbalanced, off-kilter, being a drug addict is no fun.
The stress of not knowing is getting to me... it's been a 3 month leap of faith, poisoning myself, making myself dog sick, so that I literally can't see straight and I have no idea if the chemicals are doing their job. My hair fell out, but not my eyebrows, what does that mean? Is it killing some of the cancer, but not all? What if my cancer is so mean and sneaky it's found a way to avoid this onslaught? What if they're hiding in a cave in pakistan until the bombs stop dropping. I need to know, but I have no control over this process which is maddening, just a passive participant.
All I know is that I have a bad feeling about chemo on Thursday. That it's going to be the one that puts me under or nudges me over the precipice, and still I'll just walk in there like a compliant child despite my panic.
I totally understand why people partner up, and why they live longer. I'd sell my soul right now for someone to hold me and tell me it was all going to be ok, and make me believe it. Someone who would kiss my head and tell me it was beautiful. This is how far gone I am, pulp romance fiction. It's hard being single in a bad storm, but I know that it's even harder being married to someone who just stares at you from 15 feet away and doesn't do any of those things, on the other hand, you can go to bed as soon as they get home and make them go to the grocery store and fix breakfast for the kids.