Sunday, February 26, 2012

Cowboy Junkies

I love the Cowboy Junkies, I’ve never seen them live but I had tix to go see them last night at a swanky new, small venue nightclub. I don’t go to see live music often, there’s rarely someone I want to see, some place I want to go, but I really wanted to go to this. Go out, change of scenery, close my eyes and listen to some good music. A friend bought us tickets for my 48th birthday which came and went quickly back in November mid-diagnoses. We took a leap of faith that I’d be able to go.

I psyched myself up for days, but when it came down to it, I’d had a day full of dizzy spells, nausea, sniffling and coughing and I know my white blood counts are at their lowest point in the cycle and ultimately, I’d be just stupid to go. Wasn’t even sure I could walk from car to door. So I called my friend and her husband got to go instead. Luckily, I like him a ton, so I’m glad he got to go.

And then I just put my head on the kitchen table and sobbed. I’m getting teary just thinking about it. I think my weeps come with the dip in white cells, but I don’t know. I just felt so, so sad, sad, sad. I feel like I’ve lost my life in such a short time. I rarely leave the house and I’m getting sick of this house and everything in it. The house I fought so hard to get in the divorce that never happened, so still actually isn’t mine even though I’m bearning all the mortgage and maintenance costs and responsibilities.

I am disconnected from friends, from school, from the real live moving world out there, from my business and increasingly from myself. I don’t laugh. When I hear people laughing I’m amazed at the freedom of it. How unclenched you need to be to laugh easily and truly. I can’t remember laughting and now I’m wondering if I’m someone who never lets go and laughs.

I have tickets to see David Sedaris in April, so I guess I'll shoot for that, and if anyone can make me laugh it would be him.


  1. wish i could get them to play for you in your lovely living room.

  2. I wish you didn't have to feel all that loss, and on top of it have to skip something that would have given you something nice. Maybe this is just the lowest low, after such a long time on that dreadful stuff and you'll have an upswing soon.

    I'm here (on my floor) if I can be of any help! xoxoxo

  3. oh vozie, i'd hoped you were off the floor by now! boo.