Twenty

I feel like I haven’t been to the doctor’s {and by doctor’s, I mean medical place because I rarely see my actual doctor} in weeks. I feel free, untethered, it’s amazing and in actuality, it’s been five days. Glorious. So quickly we adapt to one routine or another and this routine of no routine if preferrable. Visiting the 4th floor of the hospital, the cancer floor, where people go to die, every saturday was always jarring and depressing and I would find myself ruminating on the glimpses of the people I saw there, for days, if not forever. I’d imagine myself in one of those rooms and that’s a place I really don’t want to be.

My son turns 17 today of which I’m in awe and disbelief and grateful for how much I just plain like him. He celebrated yesterday with friends and pizza and chocolate cake. He doesn’t like a fuss or singing of happy birthday but I made him blow out candles privately, because you have to have a wish on your birthday.

Because I trust him, after cake, J and I left the noisy teenagers and went to a yard party of our own, where amazingly, we lasted until midnight having a perfect good time. I drank, yes I did, not a lot, but a bit and champagne tasted lovely, and I laughed and I watched J running around in the dark with his little pack of conspirators being silly and free and I was happy. I asked J today, on a scale of one to 10 how good a time did you have and he said “20”. Yes, 20 for us both. This week, school starts and I have three appointments, oncologist, radiologist and dentist. In between, I hope for some normalcy. I’m hoping for a few weeks before I start the grind of radiation. The clock is ticking too on my business, it’s now or never, I need to begin the resurrection over there or I’m in trouble. I’m optimistic though, that it can be done.