Hypochondria

Small one informed me tonight that plain paper wrappers on ice cream pops drive him crazy, he can’t stand them, they give him a “traumatic experience”. “A dramatic traumatic experience apparently” I said. “Good one” he nodded calmly before resuming his dramatic rendition of paper wrapper induced trauma. The tall one is mortally terrified of styrofoam. Wherever do I get such neurotic kids, oh my god an inchworm, ruuuuuuuuuun!

Yeah, it’s from me.

I’ve never been a hypochondriac though and I have known a few, so I know what they look like. What I mean is never been, up until now, because now, I feel a serious case brewing. I just started taking Claritin every day so that I can attribute my nagging cough to allergies and not lung cancer. Every ache is going to be bone cancer, every headache brain cancer. I’ll probably be discovering new cancers, fingernail cancer, belly-button cancer, I could win a Nobel Prize for one of these discoveries, that would be exciting.

The other day in the mirror I noticed a ridge on the side of my head which I didn’t recall, how could I have missed such an obvious cranial atribute? I figured maybe my undiagnosed brain tumor was getting so big it was changing the shape of my skull. I worried about it periodically for a few days and then tonight as I was leaving the bathroom I saw an even bigger ridge on the side of my head in the mirror, and a weird shape on top of my head and violá, I’m cured, it's a miracle, they were all from leaving my glasses perched on top of my head.

What do you do for hypochondria? Go to the doctor? They sent me away when I actually had cancer so what good are they to me now? I don’t know if there’s enough therapy or guided meditation in the world, certainly not in my world, oh, it’s not going to be pretty.