Killjoy

With all the research I've done and all the doctor's appointments I've had, how can I have not known that Triple Negative tumors are unlikely to metastasize to the lymph nodes. Turns out, they prefer haematogenous spreading... which means they metastasize via the blood stream to distant sites.

This makes me unhappy. I thought the only way the little devils got out was through the lymph nodes. Now it appears that the fact that my node was clear is practically irrelevant. I got a copy of my pathology in the mail today and my tumor got a Nottingham Histological Score of 9/9 which is the worst score you can get. It means the cells are dividing rapidly and are as malformed as possible. My tumor had "prominent nucleoli, exhibiting marked variation in size and shape, occasionally with very large and bizarre forms."

Oh joy, I've not just been growing a malignant tumor, but a bizarre one at that. In all my pregnancies my placenta's were described as bizarre and they all ultimately failed. I often feel like I don't know how things work -- jobs, structures, business, what comes naturally to some people always baffles me. In first grade I didn't understand the difference between lunch time and snack time... I didn't know what I was supposed to eat when {didn't realize it didn't matter}, I used to fret over how everyone else seemed to know where to go and what to do, while I just followed along trying to blend in and do what everyone else did.

And now I learn that my cluelessness isn't just external, it's internal... my body doesn't know how to work. It didn't know how to grow placentas the way everyone else does and then it goes haywire and starts growing a bizarre creature in my breast.

Demoralized.