Malaise is my enemy this week. I can't seem to get myself going, always going back to bed. I slept through a doctor's appointment today, first time I've done that, and I've had a lot of appointments.
I felt so badass when I started this, had no doubt that I'd be the one to kick cancer, but now I'm not feeling so sure. I have a terrible feeling that I'll have a recurrence in a few years and that will be that. It's a horrible feeling. I'm not the pity-party type, but it's finally hitting me, fuck, I'm 48 years old, what the hell am I doing with cancer and how did I manage to get such a dangerous, nasty cancer? Fuck, fuck, fuck is all I can think, it's wearying. This time in my life was supposed to be a great new beginning, blue sky days, not the beginning of the end. I know it may not be, but I can't stop feeling like it is. I like the new oncologist, but there was still no pep talk and it makes me think there just isn't an honest pep-talk out there for me and that's why none are forthcoming.
In between feeling pessimistic I'm glued to the food books, which foods help your cancer and which hurts it... how do I prevent a recurrence? What food, what herb, what supplements? Why, the really freaking expensive one's of course. So is this my life? Worrying about everything I put in my mouth, are acai berries better than goji? Do I spend all day eating berries? Then I think my pessimism will give me more cancer, knowing full well that optimism didn't get rid of it.
I've had a good month, I completely forget that this was my month to recover from major surgery... I've had a happy, fun, wonderful month not being drugged into submission, I've been cooking, walking, seeing friends, spending really good time with my boys. Maybe it's the start of chemo on Monday that has me all knotted up. Been there, done that, it was fucking horrible, barely survived and here I go again, starting at square one. I feel dread and terror, like when the nurses at the pediatricians office had to pull me out from under the table to give me a shot when I was little. I had to laugh when 35 years later I was helping pull my son out from under a similar table for his shots. I'm not laughing today and while I want to help myself, I can't even summon the energy to go do my PT exercises, page after page of them.
On the upside, did you know that coconut is really healthy? So have a macaroon and feel good about it. I always thought coconut oil was bad, but no sir, it's the way to go... apparently canola is the worst followed by all the other vegetable oils. Olive and coconut are the way to go.