The word of the day {week} is now officially fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck. I’d find a better word if there was one but my trusty thesaurus is no help on this -- fuck, copulate, to have sexual intercourse... excuse me, but those are good things which beg the question how did fuck become our expression for evrything bad and nasty? I’m fucked, literally speaking, would be a good, {ridiculously} long-overdue thing! But no, I’m just fucked.
Each appointment is more depressing and scary than the last. I really felt I had a solid grip on this at first. I was prepared for early cancer, stage one, little bitty, cancer... now we’re talking about chemo even before the surgery to shrink the tumor. MRI tomorrow and Lymph Node Ultrasound.
I’ve chosen Dr. Tuesday, Marlena Cutitar, because why not have a doctor with a name like an exotic movie star? Marlena On The Beach... I feel much more comfortable at the smaller office and at the smaller, yet very good hospital.
The boob industrial complex that is the Office of Breast Health at Women and Infant’s Hospital was out of a David Macaulay book, It makes sense ultimately... but you have to stare at it for a year and have some ability to focus which at this point i do not possess {and might not have had to begin with}. They are certainly not understaffed and everyone is lovely but it’s like a giant Rube Goldberg device flinging doctors and social workers and schedulers and advocates at you from every direction. I had such sensory overload I could barely find the exit. Too much of everything.
Breathe. breathe. and... FUCK!
Fuck was the last word spoken by the whomever or whatever created everything. Fuck was the first word spoken by a human, although there is still some debate as to whether it was meant in a good way ("Lets get it on!") or a bad way ("Death by mammoth stomp sucks"). I say, Fuck you, cancer, you little fucker.
ReplyDeletecrap. we are here for you.
ReplyDeleteSusan Love, one of my BC gurus, is an advocate(and possibly one of the originators) of the chemo-before-philosophy, so this gives me confidence in your Dr. Tuesday on the Beach. Love the Rube Goldberg analogy -- finally a fitting description of the Complex! Your blog is amazing, as are you.
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