Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Free Float

Free floating anxiety mounting. I feel like I'm made of glacial water... cold, cold, shiny water and the structure might slosh into a puddle at any moment. I find myself sitting, paralyzed, just trying not to disintegrate, all the while I know I have things to do and busy is better. Knowing and doing are two different things.

I loathe free floating anxiety because you don't know exactly what it's about, so don't know where to direct your energy to assuage. I guess it's the feeling that everything is out of control, that I can't keep up. I'm hoping the planning meeting with the oncologist helps... maybe I just need a plan... maybe the waiting is worse. Except I know chemo will be even worse than that, but maybe routine, any routine is better than all this thrashing about, running this way and that, meetings, tests, results, maybe i was less anxious during all of that because i was too busy.

Maybe the known, even if awful, is better than the unknown... when all of this started I was finally settling into a long-anticipated new routine... maybe I still need that... some semblance of routine.

This morning I shoved a tear stained 10-year old out the door towards the school bus, because it's art class day. The most creative soul I know hates art class, it stresses him more than math does. "today is going to be a horrible day" makes my heart hurt. When I tried to gently communicate this to the teacher last year, asking her to keep an eye on him, see if perhaps there were any way to mitigate his stress {and I rarely get involved in micro-managing the school stuff, I leave it to the professionals, but the poor kid was just going to pieces}, she responded by promptly calling him out into the hallway in front of the class and saying "your mother says you hate art class, why do you hate art class?". This art teacher, high and mighty with her PhD who insists she be referred to as Dr. was not a whole heck of a lot of help.

So maybe I should choose to worry about that today... focus my anxiety so that maybe I can do something about it. Or maybe I'll keep obsessing about how much I hate 3d movies, how much I would have enjoyed HUGO, if it had just been in good old fashioned 2d or 1d? what the hell?... does this make me an old curmudgeon? I don't think so, 3d is a bad, bad, profit driven idea, we should Occupy 3d... maybe I'll think about that today.

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