Still Water

My MRI today was postponed until Friday due to insurance approval nonsense. I think this might be a good thing. I'm exhausted, I admit it, and will take a slow, quiet day when it is offered. Restore some semblance of routine like breakfast and reading the newspaper... need to catch up on what's going on with Rex Morgan, MD. And maybe it's best not to get anymore news one way or the other until after Craftopia on Sunday. Yes, I got cancer just in time to host an event for 3,000 people. It's good to keep busy, but the past couple of weeks have been pushing the envelope. I guess I'm not one for moderation.

Yesterday, I finally told Jonah and the look on his face is etched on my brain forever, next to the look on 4 year old Griffin's face when I told him his {my} baby wasn't coming home from the hospital after all. I feel like the adversity I've experienced in the past has prepared me for this, I know I'm resourceful, I know I'm resilient, I know it's possible to come back from the brink, but for the first time, I'm a tad resentful that I can't seem to catch a break, can't quite get to that elusive place of both still waters and new adventures {and dating, god damn it}. Maybe that's just life in all it's glory -- no joy without sadness and no great love without great pain, and i would choose great pain any day, if it comes with great love.

I'm a firm believer that everyone should experience something truly terrible, truly scary, because it gives you the capacity for the greatest appreciation of minutia -- the beauty and joy found throughout every day, to be endlessly amused, what is life but a big swirling tornado of minutia wrapped up with a ribbon. I made peace with my Chronic Hep C years ago, with the unknown, with fear, I made peace with losing Claudia, I don't like it, I sure as shit don't like it, but I can live with it, and I made peace with a bad marriage by trying everything I could possibly think of to fix it, and then finally getting the hell out of it, and I can still laugh and I appreciate endless things every day and am in daily awe of the absolute honor and priviledge it is to be the mother of my children, that life has gifted me those two kooky creatures compensates for ANYTHING. It's just that I thought I'd hit my quota and for the first time I'm pissed, and annoyed and feeling that enough is enough and I don't like feeling that way.

Yes, adversity brings with it the capacity for the great joy, endless amazement, but it's a choice in the end. It's pretty much that or become a paralyzed alcoholic, or just plain mean and angry. I choose joy. But I'm tired and I need a day off.