I took a carload of boys to a wake tonight, one of their football team member's dad was accidentally electrocuted, he was 50. I found out about it at the game on Saturday, it’s been creeping under my skin ever since. I never met the man, but word of death is jarring. They had a moment of silence before the game and I thought, that could be me and I don’t want a moment of silence, god damn it, I want an hour of silence, a day, a month a year and at the same time I don’t want anyone to be sad because that makes me sad. There’s no connection between this sudden death and the death I fear, but it’s got me on edge, seeping in the cracks. Going to the wake didn’t help, especially combined with my fatigue and my inability to get to the grocery store or feed anyone properly, it all adds up to overwhelmed. It’s almost october and I still can’t get my taxes done and soon there will be a new year’s worth of paper to sort and I’m not sure I can dig myself out. And then there’s the studio, the business, the wreckage of that needing to be resurrected which seemed possible a few weeks ago, but my daily stint in the microwave is making my head bobble with fatigue.
I’ve taken in a boarder, he moved in yesterday, I’ve toyed with the idea for quite some time. Our third floor dweller is a sweet and gentle, 27-year old, dreadlocked man who is Jonah’s improv teacher. He’s been on his own, I believe, since he was a teen and crashed at this place and that. A recent breakup left him once again with no address and I have empty rooms in my attic to trade for yard work, childcare and a nominal rent all of which I desperately need. G was very upset at first notice, and I was worried, but last night they bonded over televised football. J and I sitting in bed upstairs, were amused to hear them laughing and howling nonstop and J gave me a thumbs up and said “I think everything is going to be fine.” I threw in “the more the merrier right?”, and he said “so true, so true.”
So now I think I’m the only one having trouble. Already it’s been helpful, having him here, I was able to go to this wake tonight leaving J home in good hands, sans the stress of figuring where to take him while we went, and wondering if I’m imposing and worrying because it’s a school night. Instead they were happily plotting chinese take-out when we got home and took off for a walk to get it and then sat in the kitchen chatting it up with their szechwan chicken wings and rice. For someone with no extended family nearby or childcare help, ever... it’s an amazing thing for someone to relieve me of that for an hour or two, countered unfortunately, by the stress of having someone in my house.
This house has been my sanctuary and I’ve allowed my perimeters to be breached. But I guess we do what we need to to get by. So far it feels really strange and awkward, and so it turns out I’m the one least able to handle change. I’m feeling less adventurous today than I did yesterday, even less so tonight than I did this morning.