Chaos

I tried to help little boy with his math homework, the other night, word problems, does anyone not despise word problems? It’s funny how we don’t notice things until they’re gone. You notice the absence of a building just razed when you see the empty lot, but can’t recall what was there even though you knew it well enough to notice spot on that it was gone. The moment someone paints their house, you can’t remember what color it used to be even though you’ve passed it a thousand times. I read the question, once, twice, again and again but the little elfs in my brain that prompt cognition, that sift through the files for the applicable flash cards just weren’t there. No organized thoughts, no clues on how to proceed, I might as well have been reading Russian, I was acutely aware that whatever process that used to take place, wasn’t happening. I don’t recall exactly what used to happen... but it sure isn’t happening now. For the life of me, I couldn’t do sixth grade math. My mind is blank when I need it to do something specific, and when I want it to be calm it spins with worry and will not stop.

This morning the cleaning lady showed up unexpectedly, I thought it was next week, so the place was a mess and no time to pick up. No school today, yom kippur, everyone was sleeping but me because I needed to eat, shower and go get microwaved. Our new tenant and family member and J got up, I gave them cereal and strawberries. It must be terribly hard to move in with a family and make yourself at home with a shared kitchen. So now I'm worrying about 3 people eating instead of 2... and I'm worrying about my undone taxes because it's almost a new year and the thought of having simultaneous piles of paper to sort is really too much... and I'm worrying about Craftopia in November and the email telling me that my recently submitted Ad was the wrong size and none of the food trucks are calling me back, and I'm worrying about the shop and will vendors bring me promised merch... too many are not returning emails, I don’t want to be a pest, but I’m pestering and it’s not even working... and I need to build a wall in the studio for the store... and I have a meeting at noon, and Ex is also picking up the kids at noon... and my grill is out of gas and no one is placing wholesale orders and there’s too much cancer in the news, and, and, and... and, I'm sleepy, just god awfully sleepy... I got myself so stressed thinking about all of this that while in the shower my whole body started to itch it was the weirdest, most awful sensation. I need a drink, seriously, I need a fucking drink. The neuropathy in my feet isn’t going away and I can’t find any comfortable shoes, my feet do not want to be in shoes, it makes them scream. And there are all the phone calls I need to make and arrangements for document transfers for my appt. at MGH in Nov., and November is getting closer and who's going to go with me? too much thinking, too much worrying, and Jonah still can't remember his multiplication tables and everyone has too much homework... and I need to refinance the house, but who the heck has the best rates?

And I’m god damned sick of sticking out like a sore thumb. My hair will grow back eventually, but I’m sick tired of waiting and looking like a freaky clown. And the rest of me isn’t going to grow back, I’m so covered in scars and divets I’m starting to feel at the point of no return and really, there is no return, so maybe that’s just the sound of my denial cracking.

Life just feels too complicated, too chaotic, I can’t figure out how people manage, there’s always too much to do and I can’t even seem to get my laundry put away. One step forward, two steps back. I’m heading towards the precipice and backing into it at the same time. I’m doing the exact opposite of creating an environment that is not conducive to cancer but I don’t seem to know how to do otherwise. I feel like my whole life has been conducive to cancer. I just can’t figure out how to live and make it work or maybe I just can’t remember.