Monday, July 23, 2012


I've been wanting to go swimming, well, not swimming, but floating. It just seems like it would feel so good to just float in a pool, not feel my body, my achy joints, my stingy feet, my protruding port, my tight, restricting incision, I've been thinking about pools a lot. Sunday afternoon, I was exhausted from Saturday, but I decided to go see some friends at the pool they belong to. I almost didn't, but I realized, I'm just home, way too much. I went a bit late in the day, so it was a little chilly there, but the water was warm. I couldn't bring myself to dive in, I felt too breakable, too intimidated. Finally, I just jumped in the deep end and pushed up when my feet hit the bottom. It felt great, so I just bounced up and down for a while and then I floated on my back, I wish the pool was deeper. I had to float my way to the other end of the pool to get out and I was crazy exhausted from that tiny effort.

I'm finding myself wobbly lately, teetering, grabbing on to things so as not to fall. Can't fall, because I don't heal up any more. My super-healer days are a thing of the past. I loose my train of thought mid-sentence and it never comes back. I had to drive an hour away today and on the way home I used cruise control for the first time in my life because it was too much effort to keep my foot on the gas pedal. I don't know how you get back into shape after you're this far gone. Slowly, I suppose.

Tomorrow is my last double chemo -- taxol and carboplatin and I can't wait to have it in my rear view mirror. I'm getting so excited about being done with chemo, and it's nudging past grueling right about now. Doable only because the end is in sight.

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