Running in Place

I'm running in place, running in place, getting no closer to my destination. Seven hours in the fish tank today, but no chemo, my lab results were all too messed up. Hemoglobin low, white blood cells, those happy little infection fighters almost non-existent {despite those pricey daily shots}, one level after another gone haywire. No surprise after how I've been feeling. So instead of my second to last dose, I spent the day rehydrating {again} and getting blood transfusion #5.

I was disappointed at first, but now I'm relieved by the thought of feeling better and having a good week. A much needed good week. I'm sitting on the porch gulping in the fresh air after a long day in the chair and the stale hospital air.

There was a dormant squirrel nest in the birch tree right in front of me, but a couple of weeks ago it was  claimed and redecorated by a new squirrel who spent the evening hopping from branch to branch, nipping off the fresh green leaves at the end of each to pad the inside of the nest with. I'm calling him little buddy and he's in there right now, I just saw him climb in. Him or her, I don't know, I'm hoping there will be squirrel babies up there, I've never seen a squirrel baby, they must not come out of the nest until they're pretty big.

Since I'm running in place and not going anywhere at least they can keep me company.

Spiderwebs

A few weeks ago, I was feeling giddy about the approaching end of chemo. I envisioned myself blazing through the finish line, celebrating with friends and champagne, having a party, and now I feel like I'll be lucky to stumble over the line face down in the dirt.

I've been so relentlessly sick to my stomach since getting home from the hospital yesterday that I'm already dehydrated again. Monday is usually my most functional day of the week and I'd hoped to get into the studio a little bit, but no such luck.

Tomorrow they can rehydrate me along with the chemo drip, but any more piling on is a daunting thought.

I've been car shopping on-line and I'm shocked to learn that Kia's are the price of Toyota's and Suburu's are the price of Hyundai's. I wouldn't have guessed that at all, show's how prepared I am for buying a car.

The news from my porch is spectacular spider webs. Amazing. One has a fly all wrapped up and ready to eat which I believe will be soon as the spider is guarding it tenaciously. Not sure what we're having for dinner but definitely not flies and anyway, spider doesn't have enough to share.

Bang & Wimper

Shucks, didn't make it until Tuesday. I laid low all day yesterday, rested, and got a lot of sleep. I thought this would be a much better day, so I set about making the promised breakfast-of-happiness for the guys. The bacon was in the oven, but as I whisked the pancake mix, I got out of breath and couldn't regroup. I stood by the open window, leaned on the counter, tried to breathe, but I couldn't. Waves of heat and dizziness and I laid myself down on the kitchen floor. My kitchen floor is not a place you want to lay down, or maybe even walk without shoes.

I finally got myself up and stumbled out to the porch to collapse. I called G out and asked him to turn off the frying pan and the oven, but instead, he made breakfast while I was heaving for breathe out on the porch, head between my knees. He served his scared looking brother a beautiful stack of burnt pancakes which J ate and said were really good and then he made himself a stack of burnt pancakes as I yelled out tips on pancake making from outside. He got the bacon out of the oven and lived to tell the tale. He's been a big help since he got back from camp and just a pleasure to be with.

My next door neighbor who's been my trusty emergency transport brought me to the hospital where I continued to gasp for breathe so they whisked me right in. Turns out I didn't need a transfusion, but was dehydrated and way low on Potassium which I now know is called Hypokalemia. Go figure... Potassium problems.

I'm home now, the kid's are at their father's and despite being pumped full of fluids and Potassium, I still don't feel very well. I think my adventures with chemo are going to go out with a bang instead of a whimper

Her Royal Grumpypants

Call it cumulative, but I'm done in. I'm so wrecked I considered going to the E.R. for a transfusion today, but such an ordeal, I'm trying to hold out until my regular appointment on Tuesday. I feel badly because I'm just sitting around with the kids this weekend and I feel like it's been so long since we went anywhere and did anything. Can't remember the last time I invited people over. Thought it would be a fun summer of backyard gatherings, they're not so much work, but nothing.

I was supposed to go to the Newport Folk Festival tomorrow, another thing to miss. The disconcerting part is not remembering what it's like to have the energy to live life. I'm constantly watching the clock to see if it's bedtime yet.

We watched the Olympic opening ceremonies last night and gotta say, I didn't get it. Kids in beds? Dancing doctors? Texting musicals, something about a lost phone? And all great reviews today. I thought it was deadly and just plain odd, and not in the good way. I was hoping to read some fun, scathing reviews today, but I guess I'm in the minority here. And the Teletubby hill was so shabby, they could've grown some better grass than that. And the queen, yikes, what a grump. U.S.A.'s uniforms, boring! What's with the berets? Looked so military, but I suppose that's fitting.

Premature

Never celebrate too soon. I had my chemo crash yesterday afternoon and thought all I needed was a good nights sleep, but today I'm sick as a dog, sicker than I've been in quite a while. I finally know to be patient, that it will pass, but it's no fun and I'm just plain sick of being sick. Remarkable how quickly your mood can go from jubilant to despair {and back again}.

My brain is now operating independently from the rest of me, it just does what it wants with no rhyme or reason. It didn't pay my phone bill and then scheduled a payment for some wacky date way down the road, so don't call. It was, however, feeling generous towards my credit card and cable companies because they got payed twice, so that's where my bank balance went.

I'm told it takes a full year for all the chemo to get out of your body. That is a stunningly long time. Who comes and stays for a year?

Homestretch, Batman & Martial Law

I'm {sadly} neither shocked or surprised about the movie theater shooting in Colorado. We are raising a nation of disaffected, desensitized, youth with few options in a crazy, chaotic violence-obsessed society with easy access to {mail order?} weapons. And not just guns, over the top guns, insane guns, assault weapons that can shoot god knows how many people at once. Mental illness is rampant and treatment access is difficult and likely unaffordable for those who need it most.

What shocks me, and maybe it shouldn't because someone has to grow up to be the next psychopath is the number of babies and small children I'm hearing about being at this movie. Batman is loud and dark and grim and uber violent, can you imagine what that environment would do to tender, fledgling baby ears? A movie like that would traumatize any normal toddler or young child, and fan the flames of ones that really shouldn't be there, I think PG-13 is even a bit liberal. A midnight show no less. I'm just appalled that people do this, I just can't comprehend, it doesn't compute. One time I went to see an adult-themed movie with Meryl Streep as a psychiatrist who's patient takes up with her son, can't remember the name. There was graphic conversation throughout, lot's of "vagina", "fucking" a menagerie of words and visuals that were inappropriate and likely quite uncomfortable for the several kids under 10 present. I was just as uncomfortable watching in front of them. I just don't understand people's judgement, so conservative and judgmental on so many issues, and yet so free and easy with the violence, so damned protective of it. Our culture is a mystery to me.

I had my last Taxol + Carboplatin today, hooray. Carbo is the one that's really been giving me trouble and I'm now done with that at least. Two more weeks of Taxol, then a minor surgery to remove my port.  Thrilled about that because I never made peace with the port, I've hated it every single day since it went in last November. I'm really getting excited about my last day of chemo, {homestretch, homestretch} and really, I don't think my body can take much more... four blood transfusions in three months, these shots every day, the dysfunctional brain getting worse by the minute. Yesterday, I had to drive about an hour home from somewhere and I was so tired I had to use cruise control for the first time ever, because I literally couldn't keep pushing on the gas pedal, that is fatigue!

I'm happy also to report that there is peace in my kingdom. There is reading on the couch, conversation, siblings interacting at least a little, laughter and quiet... occasional beautiful quiet. Let's hear it for martial law and the proverbial last straw.

Float

I've been wanting to go swimming, well, not swimming, but floating. It just seems like it would feel so good to just float in a pool, not feel my body, my achy joints, my stingy feet, my protruding port, my tight, restricting incision, I've been thinking about pools a lot. Sunday afternoon, I was exhausted from Saturday, but I decided to go see some friends at the pool they belong to. I almost didn't, but I realized, I'm just home, way too much. I went a bit late in the day, so it was a little chilly there, but the water was warm. I couldn't bring myself to dive in, I felt too breakable, too intimidated. Finally, I just jumped in the deep end and pushed up when my feet hit the bottom. It felt great, so I just bounced up and down for a while and then I floated on my back, I wish the pool was deeper. I had to float my way to the other end of the pool to get out and I was crazy exhausted from that tiny effort.

I'm finding myself wobbly lately, teetering, grabbing on to things so as not to fall. Can't fall, because I don't heal up any more. My super-healer days are a thing of the past. I loose my train of thought mid-sentence and it never comes back. I had to drive an hour away today and on the way home I used cruise control for the first time in my life because it was too much effort to keep my foot on the gas pedal. I don't know how you get back into shape after you're this far gone. Slowly, I suppose.

Tomorrow is my last double chemo -- taxol and carboplatin and I can't wait to have it in my rear view mirror. I'm getting so excited about being done with chemo, and it's nudging past grueling right about now. Doable only because the end is in sight.