Monday, March 31, 2014


Shame can turn to pride, I know this. I began the late fall in a new winter skirt that I fell mad in love with. Perfect weight, perfect length, loved the subtle pattern and for the first few week, I was a little self-conscious that I was wearing the same skirt everyday. I wasn’t feeling the transition to pants and couldn’t find any other winter skirts that measured up. So I kept wearing it and wearing it, always with clean socks, underwear and shirts. Always with my most comfortable sweater of which I own four, as they were $24.99 at Target, it’s hard to find sweaters with collars. My embarrassement, however has turned to pride as I realize I’ve made it through the whole winter wearing the same skirt. It’s getting a little worse for wear, but now it’s a challenge, although as soon as it’s above 60°, I vow to wear a different skirt every day for at least a week.

I’ve been back from Mexico for a month, and I’m still not acclimated. My daily life is missing something and it’s getting to me, my eye’s well up with tears at unexpected times, for reasons I don’t understand. My subconscious is having issues and I seem to be out of the loop. I’ve continued to find occasionally compelling, and humorous, intelligent profiles on-line, and have sent what I hoped were equally witty, intelligent responses, referencing whatever obscure book or movie we have in common. It’s demoraliing to not receive a single response.

I was thinking about it this morning and I realized that we’re primates, we’re animals, plain and simple, caling to other animales in the primitive ways in which we know how and we are likewise, responding as such, we are trying to display our bright plummage via the internet. Men often show pictures of themselves in their biking gear or on a boat, they’re consciously or not trying to tap into what they think women view as masculine and they’re probably on to something. Sadly, the female equivalent of that is more superficial and that would be a nice headshot with corresonding cleavage, even if only in a t-shirt, the cleavage, the alluring, primal breasts, complete the package and bait the hook. Unconsciously, the whispering breasts would lead them to the profile and that might lead them to interest. I don’t even mean this to sound derogatory, it’s the birds and the bees, there are some pictures I’m attracted to and some I’m not and there’s something intangible about what makes the difference. We are all using our photos, to lure people into reading our profiles which we hope will catch someone on the line, provoke a response. I can’t properly bait my hook. I know that if someone knew me really well, they would adjust to my missing physical attributes, but how do I get to that point? I’m saying this awkwardly with lack of profundity, I know, I’m having trouble orgnizing my thoughts, I’m tired, I just took a bunch of 13-year olds to lunch for a birthday celebration and then home for cake.

When I think of the time and effort it takes to get to know someone, to get comfortable with them, I’m overwhelmed and sad, because not only do I not have that time in the chaos of my day to day, I’m not having the opportunity. Adding insult to injury, i know that my ex is already years, at least three years into a relationship that landed in his lap, because that’s what happens when you’re a high wage earning man in a suit, in a big office building filled with women. Single women, or those looking to upgrade, they come to you and they did and all you have to do is be willing to upgrade too. He stopped by on the newly teened boy at exactly 5:30 on his birthday to deliver a gift. He clearly had somewhere to be, he seems much more committed to his new partner’s schedule as he ever was to ours. As has been the case since he left, he wasn’t interested in coming to or participating in the party, that’s all left up to me, he doesn't wonder who's coming and that's what blows my mind most. There is giggling downstairs, the kids are lingering, and I’m glad my boy is having a happy day. The planning of the party with him, the invites, the follow up, the tranportation and logistics, the footing the bill and cleaning up, the thank you notes, those are up to me with never an offer of assistance. I wonder how other split up couples handle these things, especially the "amicable" ones. I recently saved his father $500 on the summer camp bill by getting the film-maker successfully through a summer arts scholarship application, that was me doing the research, filling out endless forms and wrecking multiiple DVDs trying to burn animations onto them. Yet when I suggested he use some of the money to help pay for Griffin’s graduation party, he seemed perplexed, “well, what do you need?” Ummm, food? Does he not think this boy merits a graduation party? I've got the yard for it, we've had many fine parties here, but it's all up to me. He pays the court-ordered money, does his day a week and not another thought. It seems odd to me, but the whole thing has always been odd to me. I'd like to read a book about how divorced people handle these responsibilities, but I guess there's no norm. My lawyer explained that the courts can order me to give him more access to the kids (which they wouldn't need to do, I'm always offering), but they can't order him take more responsibility for the kids, can't make him take them more. So either way, he's still in the driver's seat. He gets what he wants, when he wants it, when it's convenient, and I'm responsible for the rest. I think the courts should order that both parents have to clean up after birthday parties and split the bill.

I have a lot of friends, close friends, amazing friends, but they’re disparate friends, I don’t have a group or a pack. I don’t have close family, extended or otherwise, I have people in far flung places that love me to death, I know that, I’m grateful as all get out for that, but I don’t have anyone who would notice if I went missing for the weekend. I don’t have someone I talk to every day or so, who I check in with or checks in with me. I don’t have a BFF, I’ve had them, I just don’t at the moment, I don’t have a book club or other reliable social activity. Consistent community, perhaps that’s what I want. I want a partner in crime who I don’t see all that often, because we’re both busy, but who can be on my mind, who I know is out there thinking of me and a simple daily text of “hi” would totally do it for me. I’m easy peasy, but it has to be someone awesome and thus far, I can’t seem to attract someone period, awesome or otherwise, and it’s starting to hurt, I feel the space where they should be, it’s becoming tangible. If I met someone, I don’t know at what point I’d tell them about the cancer and all that, all those things that make me high risk and complicated, I figured that’s the point my heart might break, but my heart is breaking because I don’t have the chance. I know I just need to get busy, keep building my own life, focus on that and my kids, but that’s what I’ve been doing for years and years and years in a marriage with someone who didn’t really want anything to do with me (or anyone else it seemed). Building a life by yourself is tiring, so is raising kids by yourself. I’m a partner person, where’s my partner? I like my life, but I would like it to have that dimension, that tether and I'm a damned nice partner to have.

72% match: I am waiting to meet a woman where I can walk hand in hand walk on the beach with where we can snuggle and cuddlewhere I can enjoy her kisses on a couch lovee slow dancing flea markets and tax sales and long car rides

I’ll be passing on that and nor will I be contacting “uncutrob” or “lovetoeatpuss” because even for me, that is way too much information.

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