Friday, March 21, 2014

Belly Laugh

Yesterday, I was in a foul mood, been in that mood all week, bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. I just don’t feel like myself and my wicked nails are making it worse because they really do make me want to hiss and claw at something, but I was embracing that feeling and making myself more and more miserable.

I was spinning down the vortex until last night at bed time, the prince of procrastination set up a prank for my benefit that caused me to immediately burst out into uncontrollable laughter, and laughter and laughter until it hurt. I hugged him and said “thank you, I feel like a new person” and I did, I do. The tall one, downstairs while all of this happened up, was jealous that his brother had made me laugh so hard, so he insisted I come downstairs so he could show me a funny video. Oh my, they’re fighting over me, I do declare.

Despite my indepth okcupid profile, which as you can imagine, answers every question regarding religion and civil liberties and political/social beliefs in a particular and clear way, everyone that contacts me defines as “christian and it’s important to me” and references their god as one of the five things they can’t live without. I can’t live without tea in the morning and Jon Stewart, come on. Why on earth would those people contact me. Do they contcact every new female that pops up? And I’m sorry, I’m a grammar snob, errors are fine, I type fast and certainly someone could judge me for my frequent lack of capital letters, but oh my god!

So much of the dialog is straight from a bad movie, from a christian in Texas: Hello there pretty ,it's been a lovely day today,and what makes it a perfect day for is that seeing such a beautiful woman like you and being privileged to email her,WOW! what a day. Well,my name is John,I'm just a starter on this online dating I would like to talk and get to know more about you. If you don't mind you can send me a message on john280 at/ya/hoo/dot/com/,I hope you have a wonderful day, John.

And from the guy in New York, with a small child, yet who would be willing to relocate for the "right special lady" wearing a giant gold cross in every picture: How are you doing?My name is Wilson .Your profile is appealing..I adore and admired everything in your profile.I am really much impressed about your profile and your personalities and your good sense of humor on here. You definitely got your appearance so attracting and appealing. I guess nobody is going to skip your profile without sending you a message. I can see sincerity in you. You look far younger than your age. Is what you have on this site a correct statement of your age? When was your photo taking?Do you mind if i know more about you?

Both of these guys only list English as languages, but I just can’t believe that the last one isn’t ESL. I love that he questions my pictures. I posted two pictures, one is of me underwater with the pufferfish and the other is from Mexico a few weeks ago smooshing faces with my friend. So I cropped him out and if you look closely, you’ll see that one of my ears, is really his ear. I need to get some photos. It was a really spontaneous, after midnight sign up on my part.

I don’t know how this works, do I have to respond to these people and say “thank you for the very sweet compliments, but I don’t think we’d be a good match”? Or just ignore them because they clearly haven’t read my profile. This morning there was a really charming note from a 63 year old and I’m just not ready to go that old, isn’t that terrible? At the same time, the same difference in the other direction would be 37 and that seems even more preposterous. I am 50 and I put an age range of 45 to 55 and honestly, I’m not sure I could keep up with a 45 year old.

Then there are the myriad people that say they’re only interested in women who are fit and would not be interested in anyone that deviates from their preferred body type. One thing I’m certain of is that I’m not anyone’s preferred body type, so that’s just depressing.

But I’m not depressed, because little dude cured me with a belly laugh, a ten minute long, I can’t breathe, I’m going to die belly laugh. And that’s why I need a partner, or a regular date, someone who can make me laugh and will give me a hug and break those bad moods, it just takes too much effort to do it on my own.