Friday, March 14, 2014

Cake Trance

I got blindsided last night. My kids were at their dads and all of a sudden the quiet house had me climbing the walls and I sought solace in the freezer. Not long ago, at the grocery store I was lured in by the Entenmanns buy one, get one free sale. I bought the boys donuts and then bought a chocolate cake to slip into the freezer, so that in a spontaneous moment when one of them said “let's get cake”, I could tell them, we have cake, yay.

I was suspicious of my motives the minute I put that thing in my grocery cart but I did it anyway. I’ve been so good at resisting lately, but I guess my defenses were already wearning thin. Last night I ate almost a whole cake. I didn’t even enjoy it, I don’t know what I was doing or why, I think I was trying to feel something, I went into a cake trance. I avoid alcohol because it’s a toxin, it’s hard on your body, but I suspect a glass of wine would have been far healthier to a whole cake. My stomach grumbled all night which was nothing compared to my guilt and self-loathing. This afternoon I passed out for four hours on the couch and when I woke up, I thought it was Saturday and I was late for work. I think my blood sugar is still out of whack and I know that our insulin response systems are linked with cancer. I should not be abusing sugar this way, I really think I might be better off with alcohol in moderation.

My two week, post trip healing time is concluding, thus next week, I’ll force myself back to the gym. My knee is almost healed, my cartoon jellyfish stings turned the corner last night and started to fade rather than brighten, my spine is settling back into place and so I’ll work on my strength at the gym in preparation for my next trip, in preparation for every day. Simultaneously, I'll get focused at the studio and try to get myself some income, because there's a really gorgeous backpack I want for traveling. I don't even have a laptop sleeve so last trip I had my most precious possession wrapped in a towel, shoved into my raggedy, ten year old, clearance sale backpack. All of a sudden, it seems like it would be nice to have a few new things. I've trained myself not to even think about having things beyond necessities, but a sharp backpack would be nice. I was admiring someone's Timbuk2 sleeve, so I went on-line and they have a swell backpack and you can choose your own colors and panels for each part, how fun is that? I don't know why I spent an hour designing a backpack I'd never spend $200 on. Damn, I should have bought myself more things when I was married and there was disposable income, I should have participated more freely in the disposing of the income, I was so fucking responsible and considerate. Just a few quality essentials would be nice, I'm getting increasingly raggedy, everything I have is getting a tad too old and worn. I also should have insisted on home maintenance because as the new sole homeowner, I'm way behind the 8-ball as far as upkeep is concerned.

Once the weather starts to turn, It’s for me. I don’t know how I’ll get through the profiles, the descriptions, I might have to ask friends to do it. I don’t know how I’d describe myself at all, that has to be the worst possible task. Although, can I survive hearing how other's would describe me? Ewwww, is all I can say, but I think I have to shuffle forward. Maybe I should have a margarita and hook me up party, if my friends hold a gun to my head and help, maybe I’ll actually do it. Thus far, I’ve not even looked at a single site, but putting a condom in my wallet as a declaration to the universe that I was looking hasn’t worked, it seems I need to be more proactive. And definitively, definitely, no more cake.

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