Parade

It seems unfair to be having allergies when I’ve not felt a smidge of spring, nonetheless, my eyeballs are so itchy I’m ready to claw them out. I knew this Medicaid thing was too good to be true, they don't want to pay for my expensive allergy eyedrops, nor do they want to pay for my estrogen. It costs $167/mo. which is too steep for me, but I want the natural one, not the one made from horse urine, Premarin: PREgnant MARes, Ewwww. I'm scared to find out what creepy, alternative they'll offer me, betcha they cover Viagra though. At the moment I think my itchy eyes are far more deserving of intervention than anyones flaccid penis, but maybe that's just because I don't have one of those to worry about.

I really don’t know why I feel so dismal, so blue. It’s not like the divorce took me by surprise, we’ve been separated for three years and it changes my day to day life not a whit. Maybe it was the humiliation of the proceedings, immediately finding out he was taking a weeks vacation with his girlfriend, when in twenty years he couldn’t possibly take a whole week off work and responded to suggestions of travel like a child would at the suggestion of a seven day school week or extra visits to the dentist, just for fun. I don't know, I really don't.

One of the parents of one of the tall one’s friends invited a bunch of the loose, but bound group of parents over for a get together yesterday. So many of our kids have been friends since pre-school, elementary or middle school that we’ve come to know one other and, of course, know so much about, and care so for each other's offspring. We chat at school events, athletic events where some overlap, when we run into each other at the market or elsewhere and as 10, 12, 14 years go by, you inadvertently know each other, but don't know if you'd call each other friends, but without a doubt, there is surely a bond and I like these people. It was a lovely idea to get everyone together on purpose. I almost didn’t go I was in such a miserable mood, but I knew it would be good for me and hopefully snap the spell which it did, somewhat, but I never felt like myself. I found myself welling up with tears behind my glasses and not even knowing why. I know nothing is what it seems, but in a very full room, I’m the only one sans partner and it’s hard not to feel envious of the comfort and seamlessness of all these long marriages. I wonder, I fear, that I’ve simply reached capacity and am now overflowing in unpredictable ways. I fear that I’m finally broken. I’ve been damned good at bouncing back, but maybe we can only do that a finite number of times. I’ve been bouncing back my whole life, yay for me, I’m resilient, I have a relentless desire to move forward and not wallow, but  bouncy balls wear out, they can only take so much wear and tear. I’m feeling deflated and without an airpump.

This grim venture into online dating isn’t making things better. The parade of book burning conservatives continues from near and far, did I mention the general? Full on uniform, yeah, that's an obvious match. I don’t see any reason to start emailing someone far flung, what’s the point? I don’t want to dig email trenches, I want to just meet for coffee and yay or nay. I’ve not gotten a single inquiry or response from anyone intriguing, not even close, and the whole thing is depressing. All the lookn4luv, TreatU-Rite, Meandyou4ever, Luverman, I just hang my head in unfair disgust, these people are just lonely too. These sights make me snarky and cynical and Match.com is the awful. The profiles are sparse enough to be meaningless, checkboxes over personal comments and an excessive number of users who don’t post pictures. Sorry, but if I have to post a picture, so do you and a beach sunset doesn’t count. Okcupid has a far superior user interface and asks interesting questions with room for comments but the questions are endless. You answer as many as you want, but some people have anwered 3,000+ questions which is sad and disturbing. Match.com has local get togethers at bars and such, but I’d be mortified to be the only one there over 30.

I’m slowly learning how after so many years of cohabitation and children, I’ve lost the ability to be alone for long stretches. I remember fearing I wouldn’t be able to do the 24/7 that is raising kids because I needed so much time alone. My kids get me out of my own head, or my head out of my own ass, whichever. As soon as they walked in the door Sunday evening, I was transformed. I’m realizing that I’m as dependant on them as they are on me. Albeit in my case it’s emotional dependency. I ask nothing of them, I’m just happier and more content and more able to lighten up and laugh when they’re around and that too will be fleeting.

It’s a new week, so I’d best get at it and try for a better one. This is the week I get focused at work and begin the grand project of rebuilding my wholesale business and also the week I go back to the gym in search of stregnth and endorphins. On Friday, my baby turns 13 so I’ve got to think about how to make that special too.