JuJu and Goody Bags

I'm at the shop today {my new lux shop with wifi!}, alongside my beloved farmer's market and all it's positive juju. I felt really dreary this morning, mopey and all hang-doggie, and in under an hour I'm revitalized. I'm going to plan all my treatments around the goal of not missing my Saturday markets, they always make me feel better. The shop isn't even busy, but being here lifts my spirits.

Want to know what else would lift my spirits? A goody bag. If you have children, you know that when you leave the hospital, they give you your baby AND a goody bag -- filled with formula and diapers and binky's and yeah, it's propaganda, they want to hook you on the commercial products, but still, it's a goody bag and it makes you happy.

When you leave the hospital with your cancer diagnosis, that's all you get. If nothing else, I think cancer should come with a goody bag... with an iPad in it {obviously}.  Mr. Jobs should have seen to that before he left, he of all people would understand the life-affirming, mood-lifting effects of sublime design. And the need for reading material on demand, in waiting room, after waiting room, after waiting room.

I dream of iPads because it’s much better than dreaming about stupid cancer. Cancer is not a sublime design, it’s messy and yucky, it’s a disharmonious interloper with no grace or purpose. iPads are beautiful, so i will dream of iPads.

Ethnic Identity

Only 10-15% of breast cancers are Triple Negative and these occur mostly in younger women {i'm not all that young}, women who have the bad breast cancer gene {unlikely, but the test will be back in a few weeks}, and black and hispanic women.

So there it is, my secret's out of the bag... I'm african american. Admit it, you suspected it all along, WG only likes me because i remind her of her beloved Michael Jackson.

Schedule from Hell

Met with the oncologist today, Rochelle Strenger. Do you remember the Seinfeld episode about Rochelle, Rochelle, the hot new movie everyone HAS to see? So continuing the movie theme, my doctors are Dr. Marlene at the Beach and Dr. Rochelle Rochelle.

It's a good thing my appointment was expedited... we are in a rush. Aside from Turkey on Thursday, next week holds an MRI, CATscan, Bone Scan and Heart Scan, each on different days. My second tumor board meets on Nov. 29. My birthday is the 30th and my driver's license expires, so I'll be spending it at the DMV because when the heck else am I going to go? {and i kinda want a new photo before I'm bald}, and then first week in Dec. we start chemo.

Hello universe, are you serious? Did you really have to throw the DMV into the mix, because while i'm an understanding soul, that just kind of adds insult to injury.

Daily Trajectory

So have you noticed that my posts start out cheery and punchy in the morning and by evening, it's another story? I know i'll feel better tomorrow, but picture this... i have no food in the house because you can't grocery shop when you're at the doctor's 37 hours a day, i burnt my popcorn, my printer won't work, and i'm about to eat a bag of frito's for dinner -- that is just sad. I think you should go out and buy me an iPad, because i think a beautiful iPad would make ANYTHING better.

You might want to start only reading morning posts, I'd understand.

Downhill Racer

Every appointment has brought more bad news, i'm starting to feel like i'm starring in a black comedy and i'm the stinkin' punchline. i'm also no longer capitalizing my i's... life is short, capital letters take time, and unless they begin a sentence, i'm considering them expendable.

I learned today that i have what's called Triple Negative Cancer. The negatives refer to the hormone receptors, so all the wonderful new, hormone blocking treatments are off the table. It is also the quickest growing, most aggressive type of breast cancer. Seeing the oncologist tomorrow. I was going to throw in some snarky "yay"s, but i can't even be sarcastic about this -- i'm snarkless.

Believe it or not, there is something called a Tumor Board... 20 or so various medical professionals in a room looking at your slides projected on a screen and discussing them and best course forward. I'm seeing an oncologist tomorrow and most likely it will be immediate chemo, then surgery, then chemo, then radiation. a little more than i'd bargained for {and it looks like capital a's are now optional as well}.

I did NOT know that 40% of cancers don't respond to chemo... that scares me. Honestly, maybe i'm a little slow on the uptake, but i've not been truly scared until now and currently, i'm three steps past scared, well into terrified.

I thought cancer-shmancer... sucks, yeah, but i'm tough, it will be a god awful year and then i'll be fine. One year. I was willing to give up a year of my life to cancer, I didn't expect it might want a whole lot more than that.

Birthers and Minions of Doom

The blog is being wonky, it' keeps making my "followers" disappear, that's not nice at all.

Have you signed up yet? Because me and my blog want a lot of followers. I told a friend that I wanted followers so I’d feel like Hare Krishna, but maybe it’s more like David Koresh or Mr. What’s-His-Face, the King-of-Koolaid... Jim Jones that’s it. And wait a minute, his name is an alliteration just like mine, spoooooooky.

How do you even know i have cancer, this could all be a cunning ruse to suck you into my blog where you’ll be bombarded with subliminal, mind-altering messages -- in the font, the letter spacing and most certainly between the lines. How do you know it’s for real, have you seen my official biopsy report, the long form OR the short?

Maybe I’m just toying with you, oh my, that would be truly sinister. Simon Barsinister and where, oh where, is Underdog?

Naw, what I'm doing is procrastinating. I have a stack of papers 1/2 thick to fill out before my genetic counselor meeting this afternoon {i mean, homework, come on... not fair}, a big pile of laundry to do and stuff that needs to be lugged over to the studio for the weekend. None of these things are appealing so I'm amusing myself and wasting time : }

Awestruck and Crafty Chics

I am overwhelmed by the support and love in my life. From my closest, unbelievably dependable friends who have not wavered and who's presence I feel every minute of the day, to neighbors and colleagues and my amazing crafty community. I love that us entrepreneurial and crafty chics can stick together, I am moved past description that one of the Craftland honchitas has offered to cover my shop should the need arise, and a sweet visit from the lovely Ms. Rag & Bone Bindery who's HQ is down the road, my Craftopia partners picking up the slack without missing a beat, the Festival Feter's promoting my show when theirs is just a few weeks away, my studio-mates, incredible and so generous and patient and kind. Emails I've received from near and far. I feel like if I have all of you in my life, I must be doing something right but that diminishes my gratitude not a whit.

There is just something so special about our town {that pretends it's a city}. My pediatrician lives in my hood, so it takes a simple call to his wife, who I also count as a friend, and he stops by after a 14 hour day to chat in my kitchen about the best ways to talk to my boys about this, alleviating my anxiety and arming me with really good information. My neighbor and bus-stop pal's oncologist husband, who always brings his {adorable} girls into my shop, picks up the phone and my oncology appointment at a completely different hospital gets expedited. Everyone, so kind and generous of spirit, I barely know what to say.

I am feeling so much better after a quieter day, the marbles in my head aren't rattling around quite so much and I'm determined that through this my house will be festive and lively. The usual potluck dinners and gatherings, y'all know I like a busy, happy house and I see no reason why it not stay that way, for me and for my guys, for all of us. I don't want people dropping off food, I want them to sit and eat with us and play games and watch movies. All of this generosity around me is making me feel protected and powerful, I'm ready to get my warrior boots on. Profoundest thanks to all.

So... tomorrow is genetic counselor which I think is a waste of time, I highly doubt I have the gene, but I am being compliant, Friday is oncologist, Saturday is work and decorate for Craftopia, Sunday IS Craftopia {yes, because when you find out you have cancer, you really SHOULD throw a party for 3,000 people}, next Tuesday is MRI and Thursday is Thanksgiving and by early December there should be a plan in place. A cunning, crafty plan. Instead of Vermont this year, My sister is coming here to cook. Nothing makes her happier, I don't think, than cooking for a hoard of people and that one can COOK! So if you don't have plans, call me, and join us for dinner, or just stop by for dessert or any time throughout the day. I have my heart absolutely set on a fun, festive, busy, bustling, happy day.