My MRI today was postponed until Friday due to insurance approval nonsense. I think this might be a good thing. I'm exhausted, I admit it, and will take a slow, quiet day when it is offered. Restore some semblance of routine like breakfast and reading the newspaper... need to catch up on what's going on with Rex Morgan, MD. And maybe it's best not to get anymore news one way or the other until after Craftopia on Sunday. Yes, I got cancer just in time to host an event for 3,000 people. It's good to keep busy, but the past couple of weeks have been pushing the envelope. I guess I'm not one for moderation.
Yesterday, I finally told Jonah and the look on his face is etched on my brain forever, next to the look on 4 year old Griffin's face when I told him his {my} baby wasn't coming home from the hospital after all. I feel like the adversity I've experienced in the past has prepared me for this, I know I'm resourceful, I know I'm resilient, I know it's possible to come back from the brink, but for the first time, I'm a tad resentful that I can't seem to catch a break, can't quite get to that elusive place of both still waters and new adventures {and dating, god damn it}. Maybe that's just life in all it's glory -- no joy without sadness and no great love without great pain, and i would choose great pain any day, if it comes with great love.
I'm a firm believer that everyone should experience something truly terrible, truly scary, because it gives you the capacity for the greatest appreciation of minutia -- the beauty and joy found throughout every day, to be endlessly amused, what is life but a big swirling tornado of minutia wrapped up with a ribbon. I made peace with my Chronic Hep C years ago, with the unknown, with fear, I made peace with losing Claudia, I don't like it, I sure as shit don't like it, but I can live with it, and I made peace with a bad marriage by trying everything I could possibly think of to fix it, and then finally getting the hell out of it, and I can still laugh and I appreciate endless things every day and am in daily awe of the absolute honor and priviledge it is to be the mother of my children, that life has gifted me those two kooky creatures compensates for ANYTHING. It's just that I thought I'd hit my quota and for the first time I'm pissed, and annoyed and feeling that enough is enough and I don't like feeling that way.
Yes, adversity brings with it the capacity for the great joy, endless amazement, but it's a choice in the end. It's pretty much that or become a paralyzed alcoholic, or just plain mean and angry. I choose joy. But I'm tired and I need a day off.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Fuck
The word of the day {week} is now officially fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck. I’d find a better word if there was one but my trusty thesaurus is no help on this -- fuck, copulate, to have sexual intercourse... excuse me, but those are good things which beg the question how did fuck become our expression for evrything bad and nasty? I’m fucked, literally speaking, would be a good, {ridiculously} long-overdue thing! But no, I’m just fucked.
Each appointment is more depressing and scary than the last. I really felt I had a solid grip on this at first. I was prepared for early cancer, stage one, little bitty, cancer... now we’re talking about chemo even before the surgery to shrink the tumor. MRI tomorrow and Lymph Node Ultrasound.
I’ve chosen Dr. Tuesday, Marlena Cutitar, because why not have a doctor with a name like an exotic movie star? Marlena On The Beach... I feel much more comfortable at the smaller office and at the smaller, yet very good hospital.
The boob industrial complex that is the Office of Breast Health at Women and Infant’s Hospital was out of a David Macaulay book, It makes sense ultimately... but you have to stare at it for a year and have some ability to focus which at this point i do not possess {and might not have had to begin with}. They are certainly not understaffed and everyone is lovely but it’s like a giant Rube Goldberg device flinging doctors and social workers and schedulers and advocates at you from every direction. I had such sensory overload I could barely find the exit. Too much of everything.
Breathe. breathe. and... FUCK!
Each appointment is more depressing and scary than the last. I really felt I had a solid grip on this at first. I was prepared for early cancer, stage one, little bitty, cancer... now we’re talking about chemo even before the surgery to shrink the tumor. MRI tomorrow and Lymph Node Ultrasound.
I’ve chosen Dr. Tuesday, Marlena Cutitar, because why not have a doctor with a name like an exotic movie star? Marlena On The Beach... I feel much more comfortable at the smaller office and at the smaller, yet very good hospital.
The boob industrial complex that is the Office of Breast Health at Women and Infant’s Hospital was out of a David Macaulay book, It makes sense ultimately... but you have to stare at it for a year and have some ability to focus which at this point i do not possess {and might not have had to begin with}. They are certainly not understaffed and everyone is lovely but it’s like a giant Rube Goldberg device flinging doctors and social workers and schedulers and advocates at you from every direction. I had such sensory overload I could barely find the exit. Too much of everything.
Breathe. breathe. and... FUCK!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Sandbox
My head is spinning, too much information, too many impending appointments in too many different places. My tumor is an inch big... how can it not be there last year and then be a fucking inch big? I thought cancer was a pea, not a heap, not a big gob. And it's not playing nice, my tumor really does have bad manners, it has aggressive nuclei or some such nonsense, it's Stage 2 at least, while I was definitely aiming for a 1. My tumor is the kid in the sandbox that keeps whacking the other kids, the nice kids, the cute kids, in the head with a dump truck. You know that kid, the one who's parents are so busy bragging about how he knows his alphabet already, is gifted, and on the Ivy League fast-track, that they never notice him whacking the other kids with the dump truck and even if they did, that sweet, quiet kid must have started it. My tumor needed a better pre-school teacher, but at least I'm a better parent than dump truck kids' are. I don't think this behavior should be tolerated, i really don't.
Miracle Cure
I'm so looking forward to seeing the doctor today because as I walk through the door, I'll be instantly cured of about five different cancers. Over the past few weeks, the innocuous zit on my back has turned into a melanoma. My achy knee, not a common flare-up of a decades old injury, it's bone cancer. Heartburn, lung cancer, and my fuzzy head is not the result of stress and age, it's my new brain cancer.
So I figure today, I'll be instantaneously cured of 5 out of 6 cancers. Dealing with only one will be a piece of cake!
And my appt. isn't until 2, so I get all morning in my studio-happy-place. I heart studio!
So I figure today, I'll be instantaneously cured of 5 out of 6 cancers. Dealing with only one will be a piece of cake!
And my appt. isn't until 2, so I get all morning in my studio-happy-place. I heart studio!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Perfect Weekend
One can have a perfect weekend even after they learn they have cancer. One of my oldest, truest-bluest, favorite friends came up from DC for the weekend. We'd planned it ages ago because I'd just been too long and at first I thought the timing sucked, but really it couldn't have been better. Gary, thank you truly, for lending Robert to me for the weekend! And R, just thank you, I love you so much and always will.
I am meeting with a surgeon on Monday and another on Tuesday morning. I've asked everyone I know, friends, doctors, nurses... who asked their friends, doctors, nurses, and one name came up 4 times. She's the Tuesday appt., and while it will be good to compare what they have to say, I suspect I'll be going with Dr. Tuesday.
She works out of Miriam Hospital and that's right up the street from my house and it's comforting, not to mention ridiculously convenient to be so close and I've heard great things about their oncology department. Only in our great neighborhood can you walk to your oncology appointment. I heart Providence.
My I-can-count-on-for-anything friend Cathie is coming to both appointments to be clear-headed and take notes and help me assimilate information because my already fuzzy, forgetful brain is operating at about 6%. Thank you C, for rearranging your schedule and making your already busy week a little busier and thank you for being the smart, savvy person you are, who I know will help me make good decisions.
I am meeting with a surgeon on Monday and another on Tuesday morning. I've asked everyone I know, friends, doctors, nurses... who asked their friends, doctors, nurses, and one name came up 4 times. She's the Tuesday appt., and while it will be good to compare what they have to say, I suspect I'll be going with Dr. Tuesday.
She works out of Miriam Hospital and that's right up the street from my house and it's comforting, not to mention ridiculously convenient to be so close and I've heard great things about their oncology department. Only in our great neighborhood can you walk to your oncology appointment. I heart Providence.
My I-can-count-on-for-anything friend Cathie is coming to both appointments to be clear-headed and take notes and help me assimilate information because my already fuzzy, forgetful brain is operating at about 6%. Thank you C, for rearranging your schedule and making your already busy week a little busier and thank you for being the smart, savvy person you are, who I know will help me make good decisions.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
What is it?
It's an Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Invasive because instead of living the good life ensconced in it's own cozy little milk duct, my tumor has wanderlust and decided to hit the road. Question is, how far has he gotten? that will be revealed in surgery which remains to be scheduled... I have a slew of doctor's appointments next week.
Why have i given my cancer a male identity? I don't know... It's certainly not that I don't like men, I adore men, would love to have a sweet one of my very own, but for whatever reason my cancer seems male. If I were Jonah, I'd name him Bob, because Jonah names everything Bob. But no worries, I'm not crossing that line, he doesn't get a name.
Why have i given my cancer a male identity? I don't know... It's certainly not that I don't like men, I adore men, would love to have a sweet one of my very own, but for whatever reason my cancer seems male. If I were Jonah, I'd name him Bob, because Jonah names everything Bob. But no worries, I'm not crossing that line, he doesn't get a name.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sweet November
I love November. I'd love it more if it were warmer, but i say that 9 months out of the year. I like all the leaves blowing around making a mess... it makes everyone else's yard look messy for a while instead of just mine. There's still halloween candy, can't argue with that, I love Thanksgiving in Vermont and it's my birthday month. In fact, it's the month of birthdays of so many good friends because Scorpio women seem to be my thing {no, not that way}, but for whatever reason, most of my best and most enduring relationships with women are Scorpio women, so November has a lot of celebrating. Happy Birthday Scorpio Women.
I started the month by moving into my new studio which I LOVE. I have studio-mates now, hand-picked for their awesomeness. Aside from 1200 sq. ft. of spectacular, we have a closet, a couch and tea on demand machine, we are living it up! The fact that I actually got everything from point A to point B was near miraculous, I did some cathartic purging and organizing, unpacked and settled in to work, high hopes for my little biz this year and necessary because the mortgage payments are now all mine. I got the gallery together lickety-split, everything fit perfectly in the allotted space and looked great for opening day. First Saturday of the Farmer's Market was one step past lovely -- catching up with my favorite regular customers, seeing the farmer's again, friends stopping in, food trucks... need i say more? Once you say "food truck", you're pretty much all done. My divorce court date was FINALLY set for Nov. 21... CRAFTOPIA just around the corner and everything falling into place. This was lining up to be the best month ever followed by the best year ever.
Finally, my new life which i've been crawling over broken glass to get to, my brand new shiny life... YAY! And internet dating, i swear i was gonna do it.
November, yes... well the first 8 days of November at least -- a whole week! then on the 9th day, I got cancer. Thanks cancer, i think i hate you. well, i didn't just get it, obviously... i had it but didn't know it because cancer is a sneaky little bastard.
So that's what this blog is about. How cancer kissed my ass on the way out, because uninvited guests WILL be shown the door. This blog is how, if you are interested, you can find out how things are going because i can only make so many phone calls and send so many emails... might as well have it all in one place. So there will be cancer talk, tasteless cancer jokes which I can make and you can't because i have cancer and you don't, so there. No doubt my obsession with politics and current events will pop up and who the heck knows what else, because like life and everything else, it is a work in progress.
If you know me even just a little, you know I love to write. It is the most enjoyable, easy and cathartic thing I can think of to do, so I'd be honored if you'd join me on this trek. xo... k t c
I started the month by moving into my new studio which I LOVE. I have studio-mates now, hand-picked for their awesomeness. Aside from 1200 sq. ft. of spectacular, we have a closet, a couch and tea on demand machine, we are living it up! The fact that I actually got everything from point A to point B was near miraculous, I did some cathartic purging and organizing, unpacked and settled in to work, high hopes for my little biz this year and necessary because the mortgage payments are now all mine. I got the gallery together lickety-split, everything fit perfectly in the allotted space and looked great for opening day. First Saturday of the Farmer's Market was one step past lovely -- catching up with my favorite regular customers, seeing the farmer's again, friends stopping in, food trucks... need i say more? Once you say "food truck", you're pretty much all done. My divorce court date was FINALLY set for Nov. 21... CRAFTOPIA just around the corner and everything falling into place. This was lining up to be the best month ever followed by the best year ever.
Finally, my new life which i've been crawling over broken glass to get to, my brand new shiny life... YAY! And internet dating, i swear i was gonna do it.
November, yes... well the first 8 days of November at least -- a whole week! then on the 9th day, I got cancer. Thanks cancer, i think i hate you. well, i didn't just get it, obviously... i had it but didn't know it because cancer is a sneaky little bastard.
So that's what this blog is about. How cancer kissed my ass on the way out, because uninvited guests WILL be shown the door. This blog is how, if you are interested, you can find out how things are going because i can only make so many phone calls and send so many emails... might as well have it all in one place. So there will be cancer talk, tasteless cancer jokes which I can make and you can't because i have cancer and you don't, so there. No doubt my obsession with politics and current events will pop up and who the heck knows what else, because like life and everything else, it is a work in progress.
If you know me even just a little, you know I love to write. It is the most enjoyable, easy and cathartic thing I can think of to do, so I'd be honored if you'd join me on this trek. xo... k t c
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