Saturday, October 20, 2012


It’s been a long, busy week, my apologies to all who were worried by the absence of posts. I’m so happy to be back in the studio and setting up shop that I’ve planned a grand re-opening party to celebrate, but what I’m really celebrating is my release from the medical industrial complex, hopefully for a good long while, hmmm, how about forever? How about if I just die quietly in my sleep at 80? Yes, I’d choose that over any likely alternative. Truthfully though, I feel more energized than I have in ages and it seems wise to seize the moment and be jolly... have a party, why not?

Last week I got my new wall, my roller wall on wheels. For the amount of time, sweat, and exhaustion it took for me to paint it, you’d think I’d done the Sistine Chapel, instead of a flat 6’ x 6’ wall. To think, I used to paint walls on a whim, yeah, those days are gone long gone. I have serious getting-back-into-shape business to attend to which isn’t my forté.

The pretty blue car has been named Sparky and she already has a warning light going off, so at some point we need to go back to the dealers. You’d think for the big bucks, you’d get more than a few weeks before needing to take it in. I think every time you have to take a new car in during the first year, you should get a rebate.

My adrenaline is countering the radiation fatigue but I’m sleeping more soundly than I have in years. I’m glad there’s only a week left of rads because I’m burnt to a crisp and can only handle so much. I’m itchy and sore and stiffening up. I’m also hungry all the damned time. The upside of chemo is you just don’t have to deal with hunger, it’s kind of a relief, eating is simply utilitarian... and sporadic. Knowing that eating healthy and losing weight is essential to keeping my body as inhospitable to cancer as possible does nothing to quell my desire for junk food and heaps of pasta, white... not whole wheat. “But I deserve it” is a big ole excuse and I’ve got to get back to the green smoothies. I went to the local vegan bakery and bought a green drink and treat on the way to work the other day and at $12, I need to get my blender going again. The beautiful vegan bakery is next to a Dunkin’ Donut’s, it’s pretty funny to see the difference in clientele on the way in.

I was officially diagnosed on Nov. 8 of last year although the realization that I had cancer had already slowly sunk in. My Intuition mixed with the demeanor of technicians and doctors had me prepared for the diagnosis. It’s hard to believe it’s almost November again, so much has happened in a year, it’s hard to remember what came before. Of course, getting separated after 23 years of cohabitation was big change enough, stack that up with cancer and yeah... it’s hard to remember, hard to process. I am looking forward to settling into some kind of routine, some kind of calm, it’s hard to know where to begin. My goals have changed, my priorities, my expectations, my relationships. It’s been a tornado and as the winds die down I have to figure out where all the pieces of my life have landed and which are retrievable and which are not.

Cancer has been my full time job for the past year and it will color the rest of my life, I’m high risk and I know it, but it seems like just words, despite everything, that part doesn’t seem real. What do you do when something all consuming is finished or at least on hiatus? How do you move forward with so much hanging over your head? You embrace the cliche’s, you live in the moment, I suppose. I guess if life were a movie, a good bit of fiction, I’d go travel the world, have adventures, have an epiphany, find true love, but in the real world I suppose you just keep figuring out how to pay the bills and get to the grocery store, you keep raising your kids and find joy in the minutia. You let go and see what happens.

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