I’m so grateful to the friend that heeded my request on facebook for a dinner date tonight... Saturday night. When my kids first started going to their father’s every other weekend, I was so burnt out, I didn’t have the energy to miss them, I was grateful to just be able to sit still. Now, however, I’ve found myself spiraling down into a dark blue mood when I’m cooped up at home on a quiet Saturday night. Even if I make myself a nice meal and hunker down with a movie, I spiral. It’s happened enough times that I realize I have to do something about it. Status quo is a no go. If I go out to dinner with a friend, or eat take out at a friends studio or work, or join a family for dinner, I go home happy and can hunker down and enjoy a movie, but I need that 2 hour change of scenery, I need that two hours of company, of compansionship, of connection to the world outside my house, so I’m trying to be proactive.
It’s difficult when most of your friends are part of a nuclear family, they’re doing their family-thang on Saturday night. I understand that, but I am acutely aware, all of a sudden, that I’m not one of them anymore, I’m orbiting the sun on a different ring a different plane. Really, I always was, I was just pretending not to be, because there wasn’t any cozy, nuclear family thing going on here, I was a single mom, long before I was a single mom.
I just had some yummy Mexican food and two great big margaritas, and since I don’t drink much, I’m entirely buzzed and making lots of typos, but I love the feel of the familiar keys beneath my finger tips, that soothing tippity tap. Love. Comfort.
Despite my boys being at their dad’s for the weekend, shortly after I got home from work today, the tall one showed up with some friends to handle a serious project. Every spring there is a dodgeball tournament at school between the classes, not history vs. calculus, but freshman, vs. sophomore, etc. Every year, the same kid does the t-shirts in his grade and every year they are very clever and well done. The tall one’s class of ‘14 was the Soph No Mores, the D’juniors Unchained and now they are the Senior Citizens. They came over to spray paint purple Superman logos on gray t-shirts and write with gold glitter goop, “Senior Citizens” and the back says ‘14. One of the football players, on to engineering school soon is exceptional at this, his hand lettering is incredible. I complimented him on his natural feel for symmetry and spacing. Really impressive. All the t-shirts are hanging on my dining room curtain rod, on actual hangars, clearly my own son was not in charge, I’m not sure he is familiar with hangers.
I’m having two simultaneous, dysfunctional conversations with men on OkCupid. One of them answered almost every question, not only with the same exact answers as mine, but with the same type of commentary and he’s not a christian, and it’s very important to him, he doesn’t mind flags on fire, and lives not far away. But he is a few (only a few) years younger and has very young children... 2 1/2 - 8 or so, and so I feel like I’m a grandma when I’m talking about his kids. “Oh I remembered when they were sick all the time... I remember that age...” And it occurs to me that he must have separated when his wife was pregnant or with young child and that is hard for me to fathom. The similarity in both conversations is that I respond in paragraphs and they respond in fragments, a whole sentence or two if I’m lucky. I feel like I pull back the layers but they don’t, which I’m comfortable in saying, is not a turn on. I finally have the self-confidence to not so much want to please and impress someone, as to have them impress me, and thus far... I’m not so impressed.
Wow, I can’t believe how buzzed I am after two drinks, you see, silly men, I’m a cheap date, you don’t know what you’re missing. Tomorrow I have an awesome date lined up. The tall one is coming home in the afternoon to help me clean out the attic, then we are going to a particular pizza place because he says I would really like it and then... dun, dun, dun... The Game of Thrones season premier. That is a perfect date if you ask me. I saw a preview for GoT and first I was thrilled and then I was sad because I didn’t want it to start because I didn’t want it to end. Tall one gets out of school practically a month early because seniors don’t have to take finals, and we’ve decided to check our ALL the local breakfast places, damn, I can’t think of anything better. Then he’ll pack up and go to counselor at camp and then he’ll come home, unpack and repack for college. I’m so happy and relieved I’m not devastated by that. I’m just excited, so excited, proud and happy for him. I’m so looking forward to our relationship evolving and knowing each other as adults. I’m so excited for all the promise and opportunities in front of him. True love is a beautiful, beautiful thing. So are margaritas and mexican food.