Someone I didn't know all that well, but whose music I loved... someone I hadn't seen in thirty years but can still see vividly in my mind, someone who was my age and had much to live for and many who loved him, died today of cancer.
The person that broke the news, has had cancer, the person through whom I knew the songwriter and musician, has had cancer. What the fuck is with all this cancer? We're not in our 70s and 80s, we're in our 40s and 50s, is this normal? Was it always this way, or is this a glimpse of the future where some are living longer, but so many of us aren't.
This hasn't been a good week for me and cancer. I'm trying desperately to get back to work, my savings are dwindled, I don't want to uproot my family, I can't even imagine the process of that, so I need more income and I need to stay put but stinky cancer after-effects keep getting in the way. My tumor, and hence lymph node dissection and radiation were on my right side and I'm right handed. I made a display two weeks ago and drilled about 70 holes into wood and then screwed in cup hooks with my thumb and first two fingers, it hurt, I got a blister, that's fine, but two weeks later my fingers are still numb. My hand is swollen and my arm just feels kinda dead. I work with my hands... this is a problem. That shoulder hurts, I bet you didn't realize that you pull your dominant arm backwards to put on a coat. I didn't realize it until it hurt like hell to do it, and now I'm trying to learn how to put on a coat like a lefty, which is harder than it sounds.
I missed a Friday Night game on a beautiful night last week because I'd hit the wall of exhaustion and my neuropathy feet were screaming and my hand was throbbing. Missing things I want to do makes me mad. Before I got sick, I was pondering the paradox I find myself in. I'm supposed to be self supporting or working towards being self supporting while also being a full time, single parent with miniscule assistance from other parent. It was untenable then and now it's even less tenable and I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to be solving this conundrum. What is the secret code that deposits more hours and energy into every day and makes my hand work, my body work, and keeps me healthy instead of burnt out and eating badly because it's quick and easy? I don't like not being able to figure something out no matter how long I obsess over it, I don't like defeat, but I just can't figure out this equation, it does not compute.
I'm complaining, what a waste, someone died today, it wasn't me, someone faced what I'm scared to face cause they had no damned choice, and maybe someday I'll have no choice, so I hate wasting time, but I just can not seem to figure out how to make my circumstances fit into a box that works.
Someone died today. Hearts are broken today. And it's just another day like any other, people die every day, and they're gonna keep doing it. Every day.